To Stop Hurting
by fourty53143
Summary: As sick and twisted as the logic was, the self-inflicted pain was her relief.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a new story I'm going to be working on. It's going to involve cutting again, but it'll be more realistic/in character than my other story, _Her Own Box Full of Sharp Objects. _I'll let you guys know if there's going to be cutting in the chapter because I know that it can trigger people. It'll follow _some _of the storylines in Degrassi, but not all of them. Also, I don't know how often I'm going to be able to update. I have a shitload of schoolwork and a SOCIAL LIFE, so I can't spend all day writing. Sowwwwryyy.**

**And there is cutting in this chapter.**

* * *

"She spends the weekends with _me, _Helen! We had a deal!" Clare closed her eyes as she heard her parents fighting. _Divorce was supposed to make this stop, _she thought to herself.

"I don't care! I didn't see her enough this week! She's staying here! Now _leave, _Randall!"

Clare flinched as the voices grew louder. She hated how much easier it was to hear everything in an apartment. Even Eli's headphones couldn't mask the yelling.

"Holy shit, Helen! And you _still _wonder why I spent so much time at work? You _always _make things worse! Clare is _mine _on the weekends, so _shut up _and leave us alone for _two _days!"

Clare felt a tear roll down her cheek. She pulled out her phone, ready to text Eli, but decided that she'd bothered him enough. After the _"I want to spend the night with you"_ drama, Clare spilled her heart out to Eli. She told him almost everything that she was holding in, and even though it took a huge weight off of her shoulders, she didn't want to overwhelm Eli with her problems. The memory of that night played back in her head.

_"Thank you, Eli," Clare said. She took a deep breath and felt a smiling tugging at the corners of her mouth when Eli's fingers met her cheek, wiping away her tears._

_"Anything for you," Eli said with a smirk. _

_Clare leaned into him again. __"I just want things to go back to normal," she sighed, feeling a new set of tears beginning to form in her eyes._

_"I know. But some things... some things just change, even if you don't want them to. It sucks, but it happens." He pulled away to face Clare, making eye contact with her. "But you and I, us... we won't change."_

_Clare sighed and nodded. She melted into Eli's embrace as he put his arm around her._

_After a couple minutes of silence, Eli spoke up. "I should get you home. It's almost nine. And your mom still hates me, I assume."_

_"I told her that you aren't as bad as I tried to make you seem like." Clare smiled, a little embarrassed by her behavior when she invited Eli over for dinner. "And she knows that I was going crazy last week, that I was just... trying to stop the d-divorce."_

_"Good," Eli said, smirking. "Because I want to come over for dinner again. I'll even learn how to... thank God for the food...?"_

_Clare shook her head and giggled. "You don't have to learn anything new, don't worry. If my parents knew that I tried to _have sex _with you and you said no, they would probably worship you. You know, after they kicked me out..."_

_Eli kissed her cheek, and they both got into his hearse._

"Clare! Are you almost ready to leave?" Clare awoke from her thoughts, her dad's voice coming through her bedroom door.

"A-almost," she stuttered.

"No, Clare!" Her mother walked into her room. "You're staying here tonight! I didn't get to see you enough this week. Put your bag away, and help me get our dinner ready."

"Helen, give it a rest! She's coming home with me tonight!"

"No, Randall! Clare, who do you want to stay with?" Her mom asked, putting her hands on her hips.

Clare opened and closed her mouth a few times, unsure of what to say. "W-well... Mom, I'm technically supposed to stay with Dad to-tonight. So I think that it would be best... for me to go with him."

"Oh, nonsense, Clare! You're only a kid. I shouldn't be asking you that. You're staying with _me!"_

Clare watched in shock as her mom forcefully pushed her mom out of the house.

"Leave, or I'll call the cops!"

Clare stood up, sharing a glance with her dad as he left the apartment. After a few moments passed, Clare turned to her mom. "I'm not even hungry, Mom. How about you go out to dinner somewhere?I'll order pizza or something if I get hungry."

"Nonsense, Clare!" Her mother scoffed. "I want to spend the evening with you!"

"Well I don't want to eat dinner with someone who shoved my father out of this apartment!" Clare snapped. She took a deep breath, trying to recompose herself. "Mom, please. Just let me be tonight. This whole thing... it's all just... too new for me. I just want to be alone."

Helen sighed. "All right, honey. I... I'll go out with Tina. Just don't leave the house. I'll be back home tonight around nine, okay?"

Clare faked a smile and nodded. She headed towards her bathroom- luckily, both of her apartments had more than one bathroom, so Clare always had her own-, stopping at her bed to take a razor blade out of her bag. She took a shaky breath and rolled up her sweater sleeve, pressing the blade against her upper arm. She slid it against her skin, sharply inhaling as the pain flooded her thoughts.

As sick and twisted as the logic was, the self-inflicted pain was her relief. The blood, representing her anger, her sadness, her frustration, flowed out of her arm, and even if it was just for a few seconds, she forgot how upset she was. The numerous scars, running up and down her arm, permanently marked each issue that she had to battle.

When did she start cutting? She couldn't even remember. When would she stop? She didn't know. She _wanted _to stop, but she couldn't. It was like every other way that she would deal with her problems was gone- hurting herself was the only way she knew how to stop hurting.

Cutting was her secret. No one knew, and Clare was going to make sure that it was going to stay that way.

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**Let me know what you think. And sorry if it wasn't clear when I would write Helen/Clare's mom and Randall/Clare's dad. I didn't feel like correcting all of that in the end.:D**


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm going to the Dot," Clare told her mom. She forced herself to smile sweetly, but couldn't forget the way that Helen forced her dad out the night before.

"Okay, sweetie," Helen said.

Clare walked out the door and smiled when she saw a hearse parked on the side of the road, a smirking teenage boy leaning against the passenger seat's side.

Eli's stomach flipped a little when he saw Clare. He was collected on the outside, but his insides would always turn to mush as soon as he saw his girlfriend.

"Hey," Clare said before her lips met Eli's.

Eli hesitantly pulled away, smirked, and then opened the passenger door for Clare, then headed over to the other side of his hearse. They drove in a comfortable silence, both content.

Once at the Dot, Eli started a conversation. "So, why are you at your mom's today?" He asked.

"Long story..." Clare mumbled. She looked down and started to play with her purity ring, trying to avoid Eli's emerald eyes. Every time that she would look up into them, she wouldn't be able to think, be able to lie, or avoid any type of painful conversation, even if she really did need to talk about it.

Eli knew exactly what Clare was doing, and he reached over to grab her hands. Once Clare's ability to fidget was limited, some sort of magnetic force of Eli's eyes pulled Clare's up to meet his. "Well, it's a good thing that we have a lot of time," he said. He studied Clare's face, watching her open and close her mouth a few times; he could tell that she was debating on talking about it or not.

Clare sighed, defeated. "T-they were fighting over me... and my mom kept saying that she didn't see me enough this week, so she wanted me to stay at her place this weekend. My... my dad said no, that it was his turn to have me, but my mom, like, pushed him out. The divorce was supposed to help with the fighting... but she got... violent... with him."

Eli saw the tears beginning to form in Clare's eyes. He squeezed her hand, not knowing what to say. Clare looked down again as she felt a tear spill over and roll down her cheek.

"Hey," Eli said in a soothing tone. He rubbed his thumb over Clare's hand, hoping Clare would calm down. He hated seeing her upset.

Clare took a deep breath, wanting to keep herself together. She blinked back the tears that were still in her eyes and gave Eli a small smile. "Don't feel bad," she said. She saw how guilty Eli looked. _His ex girlfriend is _dead, _Clare. The least you could do for him is to stop complaining about nonsense and be happy with him. _"I'm fine," she lied. She was anything but fine, and the marks on her arm could prove it.

"You're lying," Eli said. He kept that magnetic force of his and stared deeply into Clare's eyes, trying to analyze every emotion that she it looked like she was experiencing. _She's hiding something. She wants to tell me something else, but she won't let herself. _"What else is there to it?" He asked.

"Eli, it's nothing. Just... can we talk about something else? Please?" Clare asked, unaware of how needy she sounded. Eli picked up on her tone, though, and decided that stressing her out about whatever it was would just hurt her even more. _Maybe she doesn't trust me. _He felt a little pang of guilt when this thought developed. Had he come off as one of _those _guys, the ones that you shouldn't tell any type of secret if you want it to _stay _a secret?

"Sure," Eli smirked, pushing his thoughts into the back of his head for future reference. He opened his mouth to say something witty, something to cheer Clare up, but shut it as their food was delivered to them. "Mmm, cheeseburgers and French fries. Little Miss Steak's House could _not _compare, even with that mean steak burger."

Clare giggled and popped a French fry into her mouth. The two ate their food in silence, often looking at each other in the eyes.

Clare took her time eating, wanting her time with Eli to last forever. But her food eventually ended up in her stomach, and Eli soon spoke up.

"So, what's next? Should I take you home?" He asked.

"No. I don't to go home. Let's go to the park! We can just hang out there."

"Okay," Eli said, feeling sorry for his girlfriend. He remembered how Clare had said that it was like her old house was the only family she had left. It _had _to be hard for her to move, especially into two different places.

He led Clare back to Morty, and the two drove over to the park. Hands intertwined, they walked over to the blue picnic bench and they sat down next to each other. Soon enough, they both got lost in the memory of their English project.

"You know, this is where we had our first kiss," Clare murmured to Eli. Her body was pressed close to Eli as they sat next to each other, his arm around her shoulder.

"How could I forget _that?_" Eli asked, looking down at Clare.

Clare smiled. "I was just saying. Creating conversation."

Eli smirked at her, then leaned down to kiss her. The kiss was sweet, innocent, but it still left the two teenagers shaking. As Clare pulled away, out of breath, Eli smirked. "You _still _get like that, all shaky and _hot,_ when I kiss you? Even after all our time together?"

"Yeah," Clare breathed, blushing. She moved up to sit on the table part, not the bench, and somehow hit her arm as she was moving. "Ow!" She hissed, wincing in pain as she felt one of her fresh cuts starting to throb.

"You okay?" Eli asked, chuckling at the klutz. But when he saw how much pain Clare seemed to be in, he stopped and turned to grab her arm, intending on inspecting the damage that she must have done.

"No, Eli! S-stop. It's fine. I'm fine." Clare pulled her arm away, worried that he would roll her sleeve up. She wouldn't let him find out that she was hurting herself, that she wasn't able to stop, that she was some crazy girl who was addicted to _pain_- slicing her skin open whenever she felt it was necessary. She _couldn't _let him find out. He would try to make her stop, and she knew that she couldn't.

"You sure?" Eli asked, narrowing his eyes. The expression on Clare's face showed him that there was something more to that, that she was hiding something. Why wouldn't she show him her arm?

After Clare nodded, Eli looked at her square in the eyes, his countenance sending waves of fear through Clare. "If your parents were hurting you, you would tell me, right?"

This surprised Clare, almost causing her to sigh in relief; she caught herself before she could. When he looked at her with that _look_ in his eyes, she was sure that he knew that she was cutting herself.

"Of course I would tell you if they were hurting me, Eli. But they're not! I'm fine, okay?"

"Then why won't you show me your arm?"

"Because! Because... I'm really c-cold, and if I roll my sleeve up, I will g-get even colder!" Clare stuttered out a lie, trying- and failing- to look as convincing as possible.

Eli didn't believe her, but he let the conversation go and pulled Clare close to him again, surrounding her in his body heat. "Are you warmer now?" He asked, his voice a little bit huskier.

"Much," Clare murmured.

After a while, it began to drizzle. "Let's go into Morty," Eli suggested.

Clare nodded and the two walked back to Eli's hearse.

"I should probably get you home," Eli said, searching Clare's face for any sign of panic about being around her family.

Clare sighed and agreed, disappointed that her day with Eli was over.

"Are you sure that they aren't hurting you?"

Clare groaned. "Oh my gosh, Eli. Will you give it a res-"

Eli cut Clare off. "You can talk to me about stuff like this, Clare. I won't tell anyone. I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me about these kinda things." His eyes searched hers again.

Clare looked at Eli. She saw the raw honesty in his eyes, and felt guilty that she wasn't being completely honest with him. She considered telling him about the cutting, but decided against it. She felt like it could only end in a few possible ways: Eli could try to make her stop, but Clare wouldn't, and Eli would leave her. Or he would tell someone in an effort to make her stop, but that would just make _her _leave _him_. Or, the simplest, most predictable possibility that Clare could think of- Eli would think that Clare was some crazy fuck-up and not bother to try and help her, leaving her to be crazy on her own. She didn't want to lose Eli, though, and if she told him, she was sure that he would leave.

"Clare?" Eli interrupted Clare's thoughts.

"I know, Eli. I'm fine, though. Stop worrying!"

"Clare, I can't _not _worry about you! You won't let me see your arm! I know that you're still hurting about your family, and I want to help you. But if they're hurting you... if you're not telling me, then I _can't _help you."

"My arm is _fine! _I don't want to feel like I have to prove everything to you, okay? That's why I won't show it to you! Why won't you believe me, huh? Just _stop!" _She snapped.

Eli was surprised. Clare never raised her voice like that. She never got that mad. "Okay."

Clare mumbled, "I'll see you tomorrow." She got out of Morty and went into her new condo.

Eli drove home, thinking about Clare more than he was about his driving. _What the hell is she hiding from me? She's my girlfriend- she isn't supposed to keep secrets like that from me._

Determination ran through Eli's veins. He _would _find out what was wrong with Clare.

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**Welllllllllll, whaddaya think?**


	3. Chapter 3

**Cutting is in this chapter. This is kind of sloppy but I've been out of it.**

* * *

"Hi, Mom," Clare muttered.

Helen got up from the new couch to have a conversation with her daughter, who was looking out the window, watching the rain as it started to pour. "Hi, honey. How was your day?"

"It was good," Clare said, smiling a little bit. "Eli and I went to the Dot and then the park."

"Ha, enjoy it while it lasts, Clare," Helen muttered without thinking.

"What are you talking about...?" Clare asked, even though she knew. _Why does she have to be so bitter about love when I'm finally experiencing something... good? _

"Nothing, honey. I didn't mean to say that. Listen, do you want to come to the church fundraiser with me? We could always use an extra hand."

"Um, well... I have a lot of homework and stuff," Clare mumbled.

"Oh, okay. Well, I need to leave now to get everything ready. I'll be home later tonight. Do you want me to make you any dinner before I leave?"

"No, I can make some."

"Okay, honey. I'll see you later."

Clare walked into her room and sighed, her thoughts lingering. _"Enjoy it while it lasts, Clare." What the hell is she talking about? Eli and I have something _great,_ and it _will_ last. It isn't my fault that she and Dad fell out of love. Or... what if it is? Clare. After Darcy left... that's when they started fighting. No, Clare. Stop. They fell out of love on their own._

Clare winced as she thought back to the fights that her parents had gotten into, unaware, or maybe just not caring, that Clare could hear every word that came out of their mouths, every plate that was thrown. _And now they're fighting over me like I'm their property. Do they _still _not understand that they're messing me up? Do they even care?_

These thoughts kept growing on Clare, taunting her, eventually pushing her towards her razor blade. Tears were streaming down her face by the time she made it over to her bag. She pulled her blade out and slid it over her arm- this time, deeper than ever before. She gasped in pleasurable pain, but then saw how deep this cut was. Judging by the white tissue that she had never seen before, Clare realized that she must've gone past the layers of skin that she usually cut into(1). She watched the blood begin to trickle into the gash, soon overflowing and running down her arm.

"Dammit!" Clare hissed as she felt the blood drip into her jacket, lying on the floor, and rushed to find a gauze pad, tissue, anything to stop the bleeding.

She would normally soak through a tissue, but the bleeding would have slowed down by then. This time, however, the cut was still gushing blood. Clare tried to keep herself calm, but this was a whole new level of... _crazy _for her, and she was worried that she hit a vein.

* * *

Meanwhile, Eli was sitting in his bed, wondering what was up with Clare earlier. He knew that Clare would probably act a little wacky until she got used to the new situation with her family, but that whole arm thing... weird. Something was up with that, and Eli knew it. Something deep inside him was screaming at him to figure it out.

He thought about it for a while, piecing together moments. He could think of countless times where Clare would move her arm away from contact with anything. It was always long sleeved, always around Clare's stomach, like if it would burn if someone saw it. _Her parents _have _to be abusing her- she's obviously hiding something, and there isn't any other reason that—oh, shit. _Eli's breathing picked up, anger, sadness and guilt racing through him. _Eli, _how_ the _fuck _could you be so _stupid?

He rushed over to his desk where his computer was, and checked his Facebook to see if Clare was online. He quickly typed out a message to her, hoping that her 'idle' status would soon be 'online'.

**Eli-gold49: Hey, we really need to talk about something. Can we meet up somewhere, and soon?**

His feet tapped the floor as he waited for her reply.

* * *

Clare sat in the corner of her new room, her knees pulled up to her chest. The bleeding was under control, but _shit. _That was a wake-up call for her. _How did I let it get this bad? _Why _did I let it get this bad? I have to stop, I have to stop… Clare, you need to stop. But you can't; you're too crazy._

"Gosh, Clare. You're such a failure," she choked out. She hadn't even realized that she was bawling until her words came out rough and dry, her words slipping in between sobs and gasps for breath. "All this was supposed to do was help you deal, but it's just making things _worse! _"

Clare's phone lit up and its ringtone started to play. The caller ID said 'Mom', and Clare quickly took a deep breath, trying to calm herself. "Hello?" She answered it, trying her best to keep her voice steady.

"Hi, honey. Listen, the rain flooded Tina's house, and she needs help with moving her stuff away from the water. It looks like it's going to take a while, so is it all right if I just stay over at her house tonight?"

"Sure..."

"You know the rules, honey. I trust you, so don't make me regret it."

Clare sighed and rolled her eyes. "Why can't I just go to Dad's house?"

"Because," her mother snapped. "It is _my _turn to have you, and that doesn't change if I'm not there for the night."

"Fine," Clare retorted. "Bye."

She headed over to computer and noticed an IM from Eli. She checked to see if he was still online, and typed out a response.

* * *

Eli was _really _panicking. It had only been five minutes since he sent her an IM, but he couldn't just wait for her to be online after figuring out what was wrong with her.

**Clare-e23: Umm, okay. Is something wrong...?**

Eli sighed as his fingers hovered over the keyboard. He didn't want to worry her.

**Eli-gold49: Nah. It is important, though.**

**Clare-e23: Well... my mom is gone for the night; you can come over now, if you want.**

**Eli-gold49: I'll be there in ten.**

Eli signed off and grabbed his keys for Morty.

* * *

**1- I don't know if that really made any sense... sorry if it didn't. I used to **(and still struggle with it sometimes. writing about it like this either helps or sometimes triggers me to do it again, so that's probably why if i don't update for a week or something) **cut myself and I remember this one time I went too deep.. like past the skin and was muscle or something? Morbid, I know. But I didn't really know how to describe that.**

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&, let's pretend that the rain was a monsoon because i know that floods don't usually happen that quickly.

**Ps: I'll try to update again tonight, if I'm up to it. Bad few days...you should cheer me up with reviews. and i know that a lot of this chapter is going to be really shitty. i didn't even read over it so sorry if it's like really bad.**


	4. Chapter 4

**I'm still totally out of it, so I don't know how this is going to turn out. But I figured it'd be best to write right now cause I'm in Eclare Land from Umbrella p 2. How did you guys like that episode? I don't wanna ramble so I won't express my love for it haha. But yeah, just to be clear: my story isn't going to follow like all of the storylines that are ...happening now. Couldn't like put together a sentence there, sorry haha. But yeah. Like, Clare's parents are still both getting condos and shit like that.**

* * *

Eli walked up to Clare's apartment and knocked on the door. He took a deep breath, realizing that he had no idea what he was going to say to her.

A few seconds later, Clare opened the door. Eli noted her bloodshot eyes. "Hey," he said quietly.

"Hi," Clare said with a smile, attempting to feign happiness. But they both knew that she wasn't; Clare didn't know that Eli did, though. She opened the door wider so Eli could come in.

They sat down next to each other in the living room. Eli turned himself to face her, and then took her hands in his. "I'm... worried about you," he started. _How the fuck do I confront a cutter? _He mentally kicked himself for not googling it before he came.

"W-why?" Clare asked, afraid that she knew where this was going.

"Show me your arm," he said, watching her eyes widen in panic as she realized that there wasn't any way to get out of this.

Clare felt paralyzed as Eli picked up her arm. _Pull your arm back, Clare. You _can't _let him find out. This is your secret, the one thing that you can control. Eli's going to take it away from you. And if he doesn't, it'll be because he will know that you're crazy, and then he'll leave you._

Even though Eli really didn't want to see the truth, his hands rolled Clare's sleeves up and gaped; he knew that cutting would be a scary sight, but he did not expect to see _that _many cuts. Clare's whole arm was covered in scars, scabs and new, bloody gashes. _She's really hurting. She's hurting on the inside and out, and you didn't even know, Eli. What the fuck is wrong with you?_

After taking a moment to take it in, Eli looked up at Clare. She was fighting back tears, and it made Eli feel even worse.

He reached out to touch a particularly nasty scar, but she flinched, trying to fight the instinct of pulling away when anything would come in contact with her arm.

"Why?" He asked.

"It helps me... forget. It's like a release," Clare answered, her voice barely above a whisper.

Eli inspected her arm again. Some cuts looked deep enough for his finger to fit inside of it, and it scared the living hell out of him.

"You _can't _tell anyone," she demanded, her voice rising. She couldn't let anyone else know- it wouldn't help her; she knew that. Out of everyone that she was close with, she felt like Eli would be the one who was most likely to keep this secret- that gave her hope.

"Clare..." Eli started, sighing.

"_Please,_" she begged, a needy tone in her voice. "I _can't _handle that, Eli. I... I can't. _Please."_

"Clare, you're hurting yourself. You're... you can't do this to yourself! If you cut too deep or get an infection, you could... you could die," he explained. He felt like he was going to lose her through this, like he would be experiencing Julia all over again.

"Get out, then," Clare said, unsure of what she was saying. "If you can't keep this secret, then don't talk to me ever again. Okay?"

"I'm not going, Clare. I won't tell anyone, okay? This... this can be our secret." Eli had no idea what to tell Clare, but he did know that some things just had to be kept as a secret. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked, searching her eyes.

A tear slipped out of Clare's eye. "I didn't want you to know that... that I'm crazy," she whispered, looking down.

If Eli's heart wasn't broken earlier that day, it surely was now. He tilted her chin up with his thumb. "You're not crazy," he assured. "I promise."

"Yes I am!" She exclaimed, letting a few more tears fall down her cheeks. She moved her arm closer to Eli, practically shoving it in his face. "Do you really think that _this _is normal, Eli? I'm _crazy!_ How could I _not _be? Eli, I _slice _my skin open with a razor blade when I'm upset! That is what _crazy _people do!"

Eli shook his head and took her arm. He tried to pull her closer to him, but she was averse to the idea and looked down. "Clare," Eli said, lowering his head to look up into Clare's eyes. "This doesn't make you crazy. I swear." He sighed and stood up when she shook her head.

_See, Clare? He's leaving you because he knows you're crazy. You couldn't even just keep one secret._

Eli wasn't leaving, though. He headed towards Clare's bedroom and saw her razor blades sitting on her desk. He took them, then walked back out to Clare. "I'm going to take these, Clare," he said softly.

Clare looked up, silently crying, and shook her head. "No," she choked out. "Give them back to me."

"Do you trust me?" Eli asked.

Clare slowly nodded her head, knowing that Eli was the closest person to her. That meant she trusted him... right? She didn't know, but she hoped that it did.

"Then when you feel like you need to cut, I want you to call me, okay? Do that, instead of cutting." He sat down next to Clare. "I know you can do it," he murmured, determination in his eyes. He _couldn't _let her do this to herself. He wouldn't.

Clare didn't believe in herself, but if she did believe in anyone, it was Eli. "Okay," she whispered, not sure if she meant it or not. Her lower lip trembled as she held back a sob that was threatening to spill out of her.

Eli noticed this and moved closer to her, wrapping his arms tightly around her. He pressed her securely against him, rubbing her back and rocking her slowly as she let out her pain. Her body shook as her sobs racked her body, but Eli held onto her. He felt his own tears start to form in his eyes, but he blinked them back and held Clare tighter. Her sobs started to subside a bit, and Eli stroked her hair. "I'm here for you," he murmured.

* * *

**This was kinda hard for me to write because i struggled with self mutilation for a really long time, and i can only write so much about it before it's too much for me to handle... so i ended this chapter sooner than i was planning on. buttttttttt, this story is not close to finished so expect more :)**

**and let me know what you think.**


	5. Chapter 5

Clare's sobs started to subside, but Eli kept his arms around her. He wondered if he'd actually be able to let go if Clare pulled away. Probably not; he was too scared that someone would upset her enough to make her cut again.

Clare could feel the protective grip that Eli was holding on her and relaxed into it. Her head was rested against his chest, and she could feel his heartbeat. It was beating fast and all that shit, but she s_wore _that she could feel his emotions in each beat- emotions that she couldn't even explain in a way that would make sense to others.

Clare felt bad, too. She felt so guilty for bringing Eli into her. As these thoughts started to develop, her tears fell faster and her sobs became harsher again. Eli soothed her, running his fingers through her head and rocking her back and fourth: working hard to chase away the scary thoughts that were running through her head. _I'm supposed to be the perfect, strong, saintly, happy girl. I'm not supposed to be this crazy. And I'm positive that I'm not supposed to make Eli get involved like this._

Little did she know, Eli was determined to be the one who'd help her out of this. He swore to himself that he would be there for Clare, no matter what. If she didn't want him in her life, then fine; he'd leave her alone, but only if it would make her happy. He continued to make promises, telling himself that he wouldn't let Clare hurt this badly ever again. And he sure as hell wouldn't stand there and let her hurt herself, and just to get rid of other pain? Cutting didn't even make sense to him.

The only thing that Eli _really _knew about cutters was that they 'didn't have the coping skills that were necessary to deal with strong emotions' or something. He had read about it in some sort of psychological magazine article once, but didn't care about it at the time.

Yeah, people would always make stupid cutting, 'emo' jokes around him, and unlike many people, he knew that the 'attention-seeking' stereotypical shit wasn't true, for the most part. He knew that Clare was really hurting, that she didn't flash her cuts around like accessories - hell, he hadn't even found out until that night.

Reluctantly, Eli pulled away after the tears on his shirt had dried. He pulled Clare's arm up, looking at her cuts again. Some of them made him seriously wonder how she had avoided needing stitches- they were _really _deep. Since when did Clare risk getting into these sort of problems? Did she not know how easy it was to get infections, how easy it was to hit a vein?

"I just don't understand, Clare. What... how does this help?" He asked, facing her.

Clare felt a tear roll down her cheek, and she hastily brushed it away before she replied. "It... it's like, everything that makes me upset... it just builds up, creating more and more pressure. And then, when I... when I c-cut, it releases the pressure through t-the pain." She shook her head. "It's stupid, _pathetic. _I know."

Eli looked down at her arm again, seeing three jagged letters, E-L-I, in the form of a purple-pink scar. "Did... I do this to you, Clare? Did I make you carve that into you?" He asked, his voice raising as tears started to form in his eyes.

Clare sighed. "I was having a really bad day, Eli, and I was upset that you wouldn't talk to me after the Romeo and Juliet project. It wasn't your fault... it wasn't really about you, but my p-parents were fighting and adding more stress to it... it wasn't really your fault, Eli. I swear."

"Clare," Eli sighed. "You can't do this to yourself. It's not the answer."

"I know," Clare replied.

"Then why are you doing it?" Eli asked, a little bit of anger rising in him.

The anger seeped through his voice; Clare heard it and whimpered a little. "I... I don't know how to stop. At first, it was... once in a while, and not even this bad, this deep. But then... then, I started doing it more and more, and when I realized how d-deep the cuts were getting and how d-d-dangerous it was, I couldn't s-stop."

Eli sighed, _really _hating himself for not looking up anything about cutting beforehand. "Well, I'm gonna try to help you, Clare. I don't know anything about this, but you're my girlfriend and I care about you so much. I don't want to see you hurting like this. I just wish I knew what to do. Why don't you want to see a school counselor?"

"They'll tell my parents. You won't, right?" Clare asked, suddenly panicking. "I mean, y-you promised you wouldn't tell anyone," Clare said, her voice sounding desperate.

"I won't, don't worry," Eli reassured her. If there was one thing he'd learned in his life, it was the fact that some things really wouldn't get better if you told someone a deep, dark secret if you weren't comfortable with them knowing.

"Good, cause, Eli? You... you just _can't,_ okay? I know... I know that people always say, 'Oh, tell a therapist,' or, "Go tell their parents,' but they can't know. I'll stop; I promise, Eli. But... you can't tell them! Because it's just... it's just so hard, you know? I can't have all of that pressure on me. I can't let someone get paid to watch me try and stop. I can't let my parents watch their daughter, the one who's supposed to be _just _like Darcy, try - and fail - at stopping myself from cutting," Clare explained, her hands shaking. "I wouldn't be able to do it, Eli. I don't even..." Her voice trailed off and she shook her head, hoping that Eli would just drop the conversation. But of course, he didn't.

"You don't even what?" He asked.

"I'm... I don't even know if I can stop with you here, Eli. I don't want to fail you. I'm... I'm not that strong," she whispered.

Eli's heart broke, for what? The billionth time that night? "Clare Edwards. You _are _strong. And I'm not going to judge you if you try to stop and relapse. But I _will _be there for you. I'll be there to help you stand up again, to help you keep yourself going. I'm not going to let you do this to yourself, Clare. Because I know that you're strong enough to stop. And I'll be right here, helping you."

Clare nodded, tears streaming down her face. She looked at Eli for a second before throwing herself into his arms. "T-thank you," she whimpered, wetting his shirt all over again.

"I'm here, I'm here," Eli soothed, holding her tightly. "I'm here for you, shh, shh..." He whispered comforting nonsense into her ear as he stroked her hair.

"I'm... s-so s-stupid," Clare sobbed, holding onto his shirt in a death grip. "A-and you're... a-and... I..." She was too upset to make coherent sentences.

"Shh," Eli whispered into her ear, rocking her back and forth.

Eventually, Clare got tired of crying and lay still in Eli's arms, breathing in his scent. "I'm sorry if I got makeup all over your shirt," she muttered.

Eli smirked_, _deciding against saying anything sarcastic in case Clare wasn't in the mood. He kissed the top of her head, then pulled away and looked at Clare in the eyes. "Promise me something, okay?"

"What?"

"Before you cut yourself, call me."

Clare hesitantly nodded her head. "Okay," she said warily. "I p-promise." She felt a bit of relief when she felt Eli pull her into another hug, feeling his warmth surround her.

"So, Clare Bear. What do you wanna do? We can have a sleep over," Eli said, smirking. "But I'll only paint my nails black."

Clare rolled her eyes, irritated by the nickname. "Let's watch a movie," Clare suggested.

"Absolutely _no_ Twilight," Eli practically growled.

Clare giggled in response, got up, and popped in the DVD.

Eli was practically asleep just twenty minutes through the movie, but so was Clare. "This is how I feel every time you talk about it," Eli whispered, joking.

Clare nodded and lay down, her head resting in Eli's lap. Soon, she was asleep, and Eli carefully carried her into her bedroom, covering her with blankets.

He thoroughly inspected her room for any sort of sharp objects, hoping that it would help limit the temptation. After ridding of what he could find, he lay down next to Clare and soon fell asleep.

* * *

**I didn't really know how to end it because I have so much homework that I haven't even started yet. So a lot of this chapter was supposed to be in the last chapter, but it was really hard for me to write the last one/this one and it would have been too much for me and stuff to like...write all of it in one.**

**It's kinda funny how I realize how I'm too tired to make sense after I'm done writing. PLEASE review cause it makes me feel good about myselfYAY bye!**


	6. Chapter 6

Hey guys. I just wanted to apologize for not updating recently.

Hopefully, another chapter will be up tonight, but I had a really long week and my computer hasn't been working.

AND my school blocks this website so I can't upload it from there.

Sorry :(

My computer will probably be fixed tonight/tomorrow, so expect a lot of writing :D


	7. Chapter 7

**SORRY I DIDN'T UPDATE FOR SOOO LONG. My computer broke, and I had this on a Word document. None of my files would open for anythingAND NO I'm going to stop explaining/rambling because you're here to read the story haha. I don't want to bore you.**

* * *

_Clare:_

_I didn't know when your mom would be home. To risk getting my head, bit off,__ and maybe yours too__, I left._

_Call me if you aren't sick of me yet._

_By the way, you talk (among other things) in your sleep._

Clare smiled as she read Eli's note that was left on her nightstand, then blushed as she wondered what she was saying in her sleep. She could vaguely remember having some sort of lovey-dovey dream. _Oh well, _she said to herself. _Eli's too smug- if it was something embarrassing, he would write, in detail, what I was talking about._

She picked up her phone and called him, a little nervous that she would find out what her dream was about.

"Morning," Eli answered the phone.

"Hey," Clare said, smiling a little bit at the sound of her boyfriend's voice. _Her _boyfriend. She was _his,_ and he was _hers._ She never really had that before. Yeah, KC was her boyfriend. Sure, she had the romances that lasted for, like, a week when she was in elementary school. But they were never like her and Eli_._ No, not even with KC. It was Clare's first real relationship, and she had no idea how things worked. But with Eli, it felt different. It felt completely right.

"Do you know that you are a _very _loud sleeper?" Eli asked, chuckling.

"Um... n-no..." Clare mumbled. "What was I talking about?"

"Well, you were having a v_ery _good dream. Let's just say that when we get married, I'll already know if you're a moaner or a screamer," Eli explained, imagining the look on Clare's blushing face.

"E-Eli! Ew. I... I did not have a dream like _that!"_

"I beg to differ," Eli laughed. "So, should we edit each other's assignments today?"

"What assignments?" Clare asked.

"The English one that's due tomorrow!"

"_What?" _Clare gasped. She _never _forgot to do her homework. How did she manage to put this off until the last minute? "Oh my gosh, Eli! I can't... I... I never started it! How on earth am I going to get a good grade on it if I do it the day before? Oh crap, I-"

"Clare," Eli cut her off, trying not to laugh. "Relax. We can do it at my house, okay?"

Clare took a deep breath. "Okay."

"Do you want me to come pick you up?"

"Uh, sure. I guess my mom left for church and let me sleep in this morning, so it's fine."

"I'll be there in a little bit," Eli said, hanging up the phone.

* * *

"Okay," Eli said, sitting with Clare at her bedroom desk. "The assignment was to write about an experience that changed your life for the better."

"Okay," Clare said. She began to consider topics. "Darcy. When she left for Kenya."

"Wha-who?" Eli asked, confused.

Clare's eyes widened. "Did I really never tell you about her?" After Eli shook his head no, she started to explain. "Darcy is my sister. She's nineteen now. She left for Kenya to help build a school after... after she went through some stuff. She just wanted to help people other than herself, bring light into some sort of dark topic, you know?"

Clare smiled a little bit as she thought of early memories with Darcy. "It just inspired me to keep my head up and try to keep moving forward, even when things are rough."

"What happened? I mean, you don't have to tell me," Eli said cautiously.

Clare took a deep breath. "She was raped," she said quietly, looking up into Eli's eyes.

She turned away and began to type her essay. Surprisingly quickly, she turned to Eli and motioned for him to read. "It's not that good, though," Clare warned.

_I always looked at my sister as the perfect, flawless, happy girl. Not only was, and still is, my idol, but I like to think that other people looked up to her. We're the Edwards kids; everything is perfect for our Christian family, right? Wrong. Darcy had to go through the traumatic experience of losing what she held closest to her- her virginity. She was raped._

_Darcy tried to keep her rape a secret, hiding the truth from us at all costs. But we could all tell that something was wrong with her. Even though I was young, I could see some sort of change in my sister. She stopped smiling, she stopped caring, she stopped loving. It was like she disconnected from everyone, everything that she once didn't think that she could live without. But I, along with my parents, knew that she wouldn't just come out and tell us what was bothering her. __However, she did eventually tell us. And instead of hiding away for the rest of her life, she carried her head high. Don't get me wrong, it took her quite some time to recover, but she still managed to stay positive at the same time._

_One day, Darcy came home and told my family that she was offered an amazing opportunity- she could go to Kenya, Africa, and help build a school for children who couldn't even get a basic education. It was almost like she healed herself by trying to help others. Though I clearly didn't experience all of this myself, I'd imagine that she was able to fix other people when she was broken, and that it helped heal her soul as well. _

_Now, I try my best to be like her when something's wrong. Why mope around for days when I can push those feelings away as I help someone else with problems, just like me? Ever since the day I said my goodbyes to Darcy, I realized that I could help others, even when I'm at my worst point._

"Liar," Eli said. "It's really good." He sighed.

Eli was worried that Clare wasn't taking the negative energy and putting it into positive things, but that she was really just bottling up her emotions until it got to be too much. "Are... I mean, it's good that you're inspired by her and everything, but you... you turned to cutting. Chances are, you were just bottling up your feelings until they... burst. Till you had to start cutting yourself," Eli said softly.

Clare looked up at Eli, frustration and maybe anger written on her face. "This has _nothing _to do with c-cutting myself, Eli." Her eyes softened as she noticed the shock and hurt in Eli's. In a softer tone, she told him, "This is about Darcy. This is about my sister and how she was able to heal herself by healing others. The day that she left for Kenya, I realized that trying to help others when you're stuck in your own problems is key. That's all, okay? I don't want you to link my problems to her!"

Eli, a bit confused by Clare's logic, sighed. "Okay," he said. He knew that pushing her about the link between cutting and ignoring her problems would just make the situation worse. _Maybe I'm just overreacting about it. Maybe it has nothing to do with the cutting._

The two sat in silence for a few moments before Clare spoke up. "I miss her. You'd probably think she's annoying, but I really hope you meet her someday. She would probably have a heart attack if she saw Morty, though," she said, giggling.

"I hope I meet her too," Eli said.

"She hasn't even seen my new hair, I don't think," Clare realized, smiling. "She would totally freak out. She would tell me I'm growing up too fast, or something."

"I've yet to see these pictures with your long hair, Edwards."

Clare giggled. "Those pictures will forever rest in peace. You will never see them!"

"Really?" Eli challenged. "Darcy probably has some, so I'll take them from her when we meet."

Clare felt her stomach flip a little when she realized that Eli had said 'when' and not 'if'. Eli was really hers.

She smiled at Eli and leaned into him, the two falling into a silence before Eli spoke up. "Does she know about your parents?" He asked softly.

Clare looked down and shook her head. "Only a little bit. It's hard to reach her in Kenya." She felt tears come to her eyes, so she started blinking rapidly to try and make them disappear.

Eli frowned and wrapped both his arms around Clare, knowing that she was on the verge of crying.

"I haven't talked to her in, like, three weeks," Clare muttered into Eli's shirt. "I miss her so much, but I don't want to bother her."

"You're her little sister, Clare. You're going through a lot, too. You wouldn't be bothering her by catching up with each other."

"B-but, she's in Kenya, doing amazing things for the country. I... I don't want to talk about these stupid issues with her. She's already the perfect one, you know? I don't want to be the sister who can't handle her family problems while Darcy got freaking raped and is okay!" Clare explained, letting her tears soak into Eli's shirt.

"Clare, Clare, Clare. Shh," Eli soothed, trying to calm the shaking girl in his arms. "You are perfect. Everything about you is _amazing, _and you are going through a lot. It doesn't mean that you're not strong. Anyway, don't you think Darcy has the right to know? She should be happy that you let her know what was going on." He felt Clare pull away.

"Yeah," Clare said, not sure if she agreed or not. She felt Eli's fingertip meet her cheek, wiping away tears, and sighed. "I'm sorry you have to listen to all of this," she apologized, feeling bad.

"Stop," Eli said. "I'm your boyfriend. I'm your friend. I care about you. I need you. I want to listen to all of this. I want to help you. Okay?"

Clare nodded, a smile forming on her lips.

* * *

**Stupid place to end the chapter but I literally started falling asleep halfway through this, lol. I figured it'd be better to end it shittily instead of writing more shit that doesn't even make sense.**

**Please review? :D**


	8. Chapter 8

I AM GOING TO COME BACK TO THIS STORY,

but I've been dealing with the self-harm issues that I write about in this, and it's kind of hard to write about when you're going through the same stuff. It's triggering.

SO. I promise you that I will start writing this story, very soon, but I need a little break from it.

In the meantime, I am writing a new story. It's called _It's a Shame, _so PWEEEEEEEASE check it out. I just published it, so I don't know if it'll be like, public or available to FF yet, but please check it out.

3


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